so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
