Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
