I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
