He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I met the friendliest cop last night
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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