When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
