i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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