So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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