Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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