Pants 0. Shit 1.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
