Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
