I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
