I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
