well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
