call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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