Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You are the jesus of drinking
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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