Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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