dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
