u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
