She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
