he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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