Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
