An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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