he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
