Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
accomplished twins. life is a go
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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