I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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