Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
