i wish starbucks made bloody marys
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Randomize
