He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
