Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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