You smell like a Billy Joel song
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize