absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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