There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
