Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
