Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
