I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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