They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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