I swear she didn't look like that last week.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
