and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
