woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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