you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
