I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
