So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
