I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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