dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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