I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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