My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
