Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
