A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
