dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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