sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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