He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Randomize
