I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
