Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
