Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
