Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
