I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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