i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
