wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
