i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
