i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
