grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
