got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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