I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
