This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
