So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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