1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
