The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
