you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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