the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
