I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize