i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
